Real Live Girl

12:50AM - It was just a matter of time.

I think God is finished with me.

5:22PM - Brief Uncharacteristic Nazi Vent

A little bit of media coverage of late regarding the possible seizure in the near future of Aribert Heim, "Doctor Death." If indeed still alive, he's in his mid-90's. Some people feel he's too old to bother with. I say his age is a giant reason to redouble the efforts to bring him to justice. It is not only the Nazis who are dying of old age; it is the survivors. This is giving the Holocaust deniers and revisionists too much comfortable distance from a catastrophe of the (actually quite recent) past. We need to remind people not just that the Shoah occurred (duh) but just how idiotic the "hoax" and "profiteering Jew" dipshits are every single time they open their mouths and vomit their numbskullery. I say, do what it takes. Find this killer. You don't have to whack him about the face. You can gently handcuff him and offer him Sanka, for all I care. But do what must be done. And heck, isn't it disrespectful of the elderly to behave as if we only care about the young and spry mass-murderers?

For 8 years of my education I was in daily contact with survivors. They were my teachers. Decades after the war, I was lucky (yes, lucky!) enough to have the opportunity to take them for granted. My memory is not one of being force-fed horror stories. It is more of a gentle acceptance that "this is the way it was." I don't recall many personal stories. They just didn't spend their time dwelling on specifics. Two rather "casual" anecdotes come to mind right now, though. These were not part of large discussions, but gifts of remembrance that had some connection to whatever the topic of the moment was.

Rabbi W. related how the Nazis put him under freezing cold water shower then moved him over to boiling hot water shower, over and over, for hours and hours.

Mrs. W. told us about being hungry and dying of thirst. I remember she tapped her wooden desk and said, "My tongue was as dry as this table."

Those are pretty mild recollections, considering what we know transpired on a daily basis. But they were offered as gems, in my opinion. Little tiny bits of memory for us kids to take with us and digest as we would. 25 years later, I remember Mrs. W. tapping on her desk. This was her LIFE. She LIVED with these memories. There was no way for her to use her words and make us feel what she felt by diving into bloody details. She taught by living, and letting her experiences form her identity. What choice did she have? And how lucky I am. Because Rabbi W. and Mrs. W. and all my other survivor teachers were witnesses. They were and are primary sources. And I was privy to those primary sources. So now I am witness to them.

Keep this in the news. It is necessary.

12:29PM - The IOU Fuck

It exists. You know you don't have to do it. But he gave you liquor, drugs, meat, and money, and it seemed well, rude to not say yes. Oh blah blah blah sexual freedom, blah blah blah monogamy, blah blah blah you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. And that's all valid. Whatevs. Years have gone by. Cats have gone by. Chemicals have been ingested and videos have been made. There's been love, maybe, of one kind or another, hovering about between all sorts of people. Time passes. And things happen. And you just... you just owe him that fuck. So he'll get his fuck. He'll get it good.

He won't get butt, though.

Happy Birthday, Little Girl.

11:16PM - Dear Alton Brown,

It's true, I love you. You are one of the only reasons left to watch The Food Network. You're like a Muppet. Really, picture Gonzo/Swedish Chef/Grover all rolled into one snappy song. I love you.

Do me a favor though? Pretty please? STOP slamming your oven door shut on Good Eats! It makes me cringe every time you do it! It's just wrong! I just know if I did that bad things would happen. Doors would go flying. Plus the sound is annoying.

K thanks.

Love,
G

Current mood: calm

1:43AM - Slightly Disappointed

2:13AM - So.

This is hard for me.

Kitty is gone. Dad is deteriorating faster than his age is worthy. Yeah, I'm his kid. I'm supposed to find it wrong. Still, though, it is wrong. And I'm mad at him for being willing. So. I'm mad at me for being tied to the well-being of someone else. By this time, I should have a life of my own. My life went to Buffalo for the New Year. To be with his family. Son. Mother. He's not really my life. I'm mad at him for not being my life. So. I'm mad at me for taking this as my life. Sister out of town. Hate me for needing she who does not need. Me.

So. God calls to me this week and I will hide.

Melancholy.

And now my nose is bleeding.

8:30PM - To My Friends

Kitty is going downhill fast. I don't expect more than a couple of weeks with her... that might be optimistic. The bad news is, she is slower, has very little fight, and drinks and pees all the time. The OK news is that, although she is eating very little, tempting her with different things seems to bring on temporary appetite. In addition, when she isn't drinking or peeing, she seems to want to be on my lap. So it's good she isn't always hiding. I'm learning a lot from research online, in terms of what symptoms to look for and what the symptoms may mean, and ways to tell when the end is imminent.

I struggle with whether the vet would be able to prolong her life, and if so, would that life be comfortable for her. I also don't want to subject my kitty to stressful vet visits and inevitable blood tests. And, this is unavoidable, I can't pay to treat her. If I had all the money in the world, and I could be assured benefit from treatment, I would fly to the moon for her. I don't have that money.

She's so small and bony. But still walking. Still sleeping. Still capable of enjoying food...

Soon, very soon, she is going to decide it's time to slip away. I have been crying. But. But... it just is what it is.

"Miss Ruth was a lady, and a lady always knows when to leave." -Fried Green Tomatoes


I am figuring out my way in all this. And I pray.

2:11AM - Sisters

She doesn't talk to me much these days but after the memorial service yesterday I thought well, she's my sister, I want to be like sisters. I told her, "Just wanted to say hi and see how you are" and she said "fine. everything's good." Then I tried to kind of explain that Marvin had passed away and everyone goes to funerals but I want to be with people when they're alive. She kind of chuckled sort of... said, "Well that's how I live my life already. There's a reason we don't talk much. I don't know what it is. But there's a reason." I said, "I know you had a long day and I just called to say hi, not to stress you out." We said goodbye. And then after I hung up I cried. Still.

8:22AM - My Friend

nam yo ho renge kyo
nam yo ho renge kyo
nam yo ho renge kyo





Marvin, thank you.

Love,

G

2:47PM - This just deserves another look.

I love. What else can I say? I love. Wyrrd.

12:53AM - I had no idea...

Current mood: amused

Current music: 42nd Street

12:40AM - never having lived...

“The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good."
-J. B.

“Death is not the greatest of evils; it is worse to want to die, and not be able to.”
-Sophocles

“I am convinced that it is not the fear of death, of our lives ending that haunts our sleep so much as the fear... that as far as the world is concerned, we might as well never have lived.”
-H. K.

3:41AM - Somewhat Accurate.... kindasorta

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of exp..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

7:49AM - Fuck You, New York City!!!!

You really do fucking suck, you fucking know that, right? I mean, c'mon... you've been at this game for decades, pretending to be the happening place where opportunity abounds. Like, right. Fuck you. Fuck you and the dildo you rode in on. Thank you.

11:59PM - I'm going to do this a few more times...

2:35AM - This is an Emergency

Please, I am dumbstruck and heartbroken. Tell your friends and family. Blog your thoughts. Write letters. Talk to everyone you know. This is unreal. Let's not forget that there is nothing new under the sun.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/04/02/nschools02.xml

Current mood: shocked

5:32PM

It's happening and I don't think I care. I'm just not working out here anymore. I walk around this city and catch no vibes of life to float on. Passed a grandma and grandpa walking the 3 year old across the street, and they were happy, and I was not. I'm useless, and I deserve to die. I want to die, I think. I'm afraid to kill myself. But I did find myself crossing the street a beat too quickly, thinking, who knows? Maybe there's a car I don't see and it will come careening up 3rd Avenue and I won't even have to think about any of this again.

What's there to consider, anyway? I have no social value, certainly no financial benefit to anybody or the world at large; I'm a drain. A black hole. I can't seem to summon any kind of survival skills that every other person seems to have learned. If other people haven't mastered those skills, they are at the very least apt in their ability to pretend. And pretending isn't something I can do.

I used to have friends. I think I must have. People in my life, years ago, people I saw and I think we enjoyed ourselves. We did stuff, we talked. Bit by bit, human by human, those days are gone. I'm pathetic. I depend on the connections I find through the computer, I rely on those people. Good people. Sweet, friendly, real as any other person is real... but without the tangible oomph I used to maybe have, a long time ago.

Now, I have nothing. And my cat. My sweet little girl. And she isn't well. And I can't fix her. I can't pay the people the money to fix her. So she will leave me when she needs to. And when that happens... what else will be connecting me to this world? Who else depends on me? Dad? Dad will be sad. I can't argue against that point. I don't know how he'll deal with it in the long term. I don't want to hurt him. Sister, brothers... for the most part... they'll be ok, after a little while.

I think maybe I'll be embarrassed to know they will find out all these Things about me, when they open my mail and shuffle through my dusty cluttered belongings. Then again... I guess it won't matter, anymore. There will be no embarrassment. The point of dying is that should all be gone, that fear, that tendency toward privacy. Why would I care?

I have nothing to offer. Sex? Sex isn't even a good reason for anything to me, now. It makes me so sad. I feel so terrible. I wish I was dead. I really do. I don't know what to do. Today, I won't commit suicide. Not today. Not today. Another day will come. I know in my head it's possible to feel better. I'm not willing to see that, now. Not today. Soon? I don't know. I don't know anything. Only that I don't belong here. My whole life has been leading to this. I always knew... maybe the reason I can't be a real person in a real life with a real set of circumstances that aren't empty, is because even as a kid I knew I had no future. I should be dead.

Current mood: drained

12:31AM - Men who play the guitar...

Turn me on like nothing else. If you play the guitar in front of me, just take your pants off and save time.

11:48PM - New Rule

Ok, it's a great line, but no more of this idiotic usage. "You do the math" only works if there is math anywhere in the subject matter. For instance, "I hate chocolate but my boyfriend loves to go bike riding, so you do the math," is not proper usage. Geez.

Current mood: chipper

7:52PM - But Nothing

I'm always (believe it or not) trying to make myself better. I guess I mean better inside, since the physical issues fall outside my motivation these days. Here's the thing, I want to eliminate the unnecessary use of the word "but" from my conversation. What gets me thinking this? Example: "I love you, but you're a klutz," can just as easily and definitely more accurately be changed to, "I love you, and you're a klutz." It's just... better. Nicer, sure. Isn't it true?

It feels warmer. And it doesn't sound as bitchy and accusing. It's inclusive. It's saying, "You are not alone in this world. We are together."

So, I'm trying.

Current mood: contemplative